The Untold Story of Narcissus … as retold to Dabido by an Unknown Ancient Greek Philosopher by the name of Hippobuttus in a pub in Athens in 365 BC, give or take a few hundred years.

Our hero Narcissus was born to a father who was a river god by the name of Cephissus and a mother who was a water nymph by the name of Liriope. They meet in a bar in downtown Boeotia, where Cephissus used some line like, ‘Hey babe, do you like it wet and wild?’

Being a river god, he wasn’t kidding. Her being a water nymph, of course liked it that way.

So after one drunken night back at his river, love bloomed. Or maybe it was a one night stand. Everyone was so drunk, who the frig could remember. Anyway, the important thing was, they got it on, and nine months later little Narcissus was born. Naturally, it was a water birth.

Actually, I think the night of the actual birth went something along these lines.

‘Cephissus, my waters broke!’

‘Well get some beavers to build a dam!’

‘No, idiot. My WATER! I’m having the baby NOW!’

‘Oh, THAT WATER … um … gees, if only I wasn’t a man I’d know what to do … look, I’ll get the mid wife.’

‘Forget about it, I’ll get her myself, you useless pile of water. All you do is lie around all day.’

‘I’m a friggin’ river, of course I lie around all day. When we stop lying around we become waterfalls! It’s not easy to change the course of a river.’

By that stage, she was already out the door and on the way to the midwife’s.

Being the religious types they took the baby Narcissus to the seer Tiresias.

The way Tiresias worked, was you bought him a vat of wine and he got plastered. That’s the real reason they called him the blind prophet. Not only did he offer great wisdom while plastered, he assures us he was also invincible and able to sing really well.

Tiresias, after telling Cephissus and Liriope that he loved them and they were his best friends, prophesied that Narcissus would live to a ripe old age provided he never ever see his own reflection. He then told Cephissus that he loved him again, that he was his only friend and broke down crying. Cephissus and Liriope made a fast retreat from that pub, but remembered the prophecy.

Narcissus grow up with really bad hair. Part of the reason for this is no mirrors were allowed in the house. Everything was allowed to tarnish, as his parents didn’t want him seeing his own reflection. At school, his mother turned up and smashed all the mirrors. Not being able to see his reflection, Narcissus had to guess as to how to comb his hair. As such, he became the first punk in Greece.

Growing up, lots of girls, women, men, animals, other boys all fell in love with him. His own dog used to hump his leg a lot. He liked that, but that’s another story.

One day, on a school excursion or something, Narcissus was bending down to nab a drink of water, when he accidentally saw his own reflection.

‘Oh my goodness’, he said to himself. ‘That guy with the weird haircut is incredibly cute! Thanks goodness for that, here I was growing up in Greece and my parents were worried I was straight or something.’

Narcissus was smitten. He was way too stupid to realise what a reflection was, as he hadn’t seen one before. Of course, having grown up in a river with a river god for a father and a water nymph for a mother, seeing people under water was rather normal. So he stayed there, looking at his own hot reflection.

Amongst his admirers in his class at school, was a nymph named Echo. Now, nymphs are incredibly hot, and most guys would bonk one at the drop of a hat. Not Narcissus though. For some unknown reasons Narcissus wasn’t interested in anyone, having not been in love before. Now, at long last, he had found his true love.

Poor Echo, she’d spent her life trying to grab his attention, and was never able to. Now, finally, she had him all alone. If only she could stop him looking at himself. She decided that any form of attention is good attention and decided to kick him in the nuts. So she did. He didn’t move. He was still smitten.

‘Oh gees!’ Echo said. ‘I’ve never known a guy not to react when being kick in da nuts. Either he has nuts of iron, or he’s really in love with himself. Maybe I didn’t kick him hard enough. I’ll take a run up!’

So Echo went a little further back and took a run up and kicked him square between the legs. He still didn’t react. So she took a longer run up. Still no reaction. So she went further back, but the forest wasn’t allowing her a long enough run up, so she took a left, then a right, then a left … and found she was too stupid to remember the way back. She got so lost, that all people could hear was her voice.

They probably should have sent out rescuers or something, but who really cares about nymphs when you live in Greece. Those things are a dime a dozen. Instead, they just claimed she pined away and all that was left was her voice. It was a good PR by the authorities at the time, who just basically sat on their fat butts while some poor nympho starved in the woods.

Speaking of starving, they also just left Narcissus there looking at himself. Well, if a kick in the nuts wasn’t going to move him, then a heard of buffalo wouldn’t either. They figured eventually he’d get tired of looking at himself and would head for MacDonald’s like most normal teenagers. He didn’t, and so he also faded away and eventually in his place a Daffodil grew.

True story.