I thought the Capital Punishment thing was a little heavy … so I’m writing a more flippent friendly post to those who came here to forget about the world for a while [Cue theme from Cheers]
Yes, this year is the year of the Fire Dog. Some of us have seen fire dogs before, normally at hot dog stands where the cook has accidentally let the dog catch fire while being grilled or BBQ’ed. As a vegetarian, I don’t care that people are eating burnt dogs … that’s their problem … at least it isn’t the year of the Mad Ox … um … er … anyway. Not knowing or understanding Feng Shui, but being good at making things up, these are my predictions for this year.

First of all, everyone who eats hot dogs will get at least one burnt one this year. That’s the fire bit coming out.

Being a Wood Snake, I might even get some sex. I have no idea how this will occur, as blind deaf women do not abound in my area, but I am sure one will com along. So Snakes will have good love this year.

Now the various other animals will have some other things happen.

Being a Fire Dog year, it is also likely that teenagers will leave a bag of burning doggy doo on your doorstep. As you come out and go, ‘Oh NO! Something burning on my doorstep.’ I will caution you NOT to step on it. It is dog doo, do not be fooled by the fact it is in a MacDonalds paper bag.

Rats this year you will eat a lot of MacDonalds. Other things may come up, like Burger King, Pizza hut and burnt hot dogs. Don’t worry about your weight, nobody likes you anyway. On a brighter note, people will pay you to go away, and this will be a great source of income along with selling dirty magazines.

Oxes this year will get hit by a bus. Yes, all of you. The driver will be an old man with a comb over. Remember that description as you will need it when the police arrive. Fortunately, being as strong as an Ox, the bus will come off worse. The old man will eventually be found hiding behind Kirstie Alley. Hi sleg will have a bite out of it. Kirstie denies responsibility. You will get soem sex and buying a pink tutu will help your luck in this department, or one of those Audrey Hepburn black dresses will be luckier. [Yes, even for the men].

Tigers will get to sell lots of balm. One of your friends will go to buy a puppy for good luck, but the store will have run out, instead they will buy a guppy. It is scarcely a replacement as it gets crushed while playing fetch the stick. If you do have to go sky diving, be cautious and remember to open the paracute (that’s important). Someone will serve you an excellent soup in July.

Rabbits will get a visit from the Jehovah Witnesses. One will need to use the toilet. You will be caught in the dilema, if you don’t open the door, they will pee on your porch, if you do, they will talk to you. Be very careful which choice you make. For good luck, buy yourself a burnt hot dog. Don’t eat it, just get it bronzed or stick it in the freezer for the year. If you drink, you may buy a Ribena Vodka, or a slippery nipple.

Dragons this year will probably get annoyed by a dog, and will set fire to them. If you are a metal Dragon you will also get arrested at a concert for devil worship, even if it isn’t a heavy metal concert. The ones with good luck will have this happen at a William Hung concert. Your lucky colour is three and your lucky number is green.

Snakes this year will find their twin sister at some city in the clouds. Your own father will cut your hand off in a duel and you will ponder why a big hairy rug hangs out with humans. You will see at least one repeat on the television. Someone with an English accent may speak to you about quantum physics. Buy some glue for that thing you are goingto break that belongs to that girl with the hair.

Horses, you will be hungry this year. Have you heard of the MTGG … yes, that’s a horse joke. It’s not funny when I have to explain these things. Anyway, you will have an over abundance of burnt hot dogs. it’s like someone is doing this deliberately. Do not be perturbed by these turn of events, they are there to make you grow. You will also win something in a paper rock scissors match.

Sheep, baa baa baa baaaaaah baaa baaa baa baa. Baaa baa baa baah baa. Baa, baa baaah baa baah. Real sheep will understand that, and remember I want half when you final make that million, cause I told you how to do it. You will play a game of pool where someone is drinking something called beer. Buy something blue for good luck … or just to colour co-ordinate with that other blue thing you have.

Monkeys will have trouble deciding who to kick in da nuts. That annoying guy at the bank with the lisp who won’t change you currency, or that guy at the hot dog stand who keeps burning horses hot dogs. Also, don’t believe your own properganda, you are NOT the equal of heaven. For good luck, buy some Ribena. Brushing your teeth will help keep your breath fresh.

Roosters, after a bad year last year, you will get plenty of stuff. Some stuff will be good. Other stuff will need to be stored somewhere and a large cupboard or garage will surfice. Water roosters may get to go scuba diving, or it might just be a bath depending on how wet you are. Do not pee the bed, it might be tempting as an experiment, but it is smelly.

Dogs, watch out for gossip, old men driving buses and fire breathing dragons. A lot of people will think you are hot this year, but remember that burning sensation might mean a trip to the doctor. Some squats will help with that also, but ensure no one is hiding in the room when you do them. Buy a baby human for good luck … why not, they’re all buying puppies!

Pigs, for some reason you will get a potato chip caught up your nose. I don’t know how it got there either. You will find love at a metal concert, but the police will wisk them away before you can get their number. If you are an Earth Pig, you might be an aardvark. Gluing your friends hands together will be a great source of hilarity.

That concludes my predictions for the year of the fire dog. I hope you will have a great year of the Dog.

To ensure extra goodluck, buy stuff I am selling.