First it was up to my knees…now it’s up to my neck. The shit I mean. All I need is a rope, either to pull myself out of this pool of deep shit or hang myself to death (eventhough in a pool of deep shit, at least I’d be feeling, smelling and breathing no more shit then).

I really don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m about the luckiest bitch you’d ever meet in your life but my heart keeps convincing me otherwise. My head, sadly is too fucking weak. Too fucking sympathetic to the useless, lazy, homesick heart. Heart has given up rationalising, the mind has given up convincing the heart. So now they shall be major accomplices to the idiocy that this body is about to commit.

In pursuit of happiness, I shall be plagued by numerous episodes of shame. For forever, I suspect. For the record, I have already known the consequences, studied them even, the utter stupidity of it all and yet I want to go through with this. Many do not understand and will not understand. How can I blame, even I don’t understand.

Thank you to you for telling me that this is courage when it would so be easily brushed off by others as sheer cowardice. You don’t know how much it means to me what you’ve said to me, I can only repay you with my unconditional love.

To my new best friend, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me while I’m in this place that I can’t warm up to. Heaven knows I have tried, I have tried so hard it seemed jumping off the building seemed far easier. I know my actions will hurt you but please know that I have absolutely no intention of doing so. I endeavour to make this transition as perfectly comfortable as possible for you. I can only hope that you will not write off this friendship due to my deeds.

It was something I wanted so badly and then it became something I wish I never wished for. Stupid? yes. The hurt, it’s something else altogether.